Daily Epitaphs of David Mertz

  1. A man, whose identity was illusory, deceives still only through words and artifacts.
  2. Interred herein a thing.
  3. He rests now with basement cat. Srsly. Kthxbai.
  4. the futures he bought in the past are presently worthless.
  5. The past is unwritten.
  6. find my_grave -name kids\* -print0 | xargs -0 -r rm -rvf
  7. With fond regards to that great, late shell programmer, Blind Lemon Jefferson:
    crontab <(crontab -l; echo "0 * * * * find /tmp/my_grave -name \*~ | xargs rm")
  8. He died too late and was born too soon; brevity is the wit of the soul.
  9. Darn, he died too soon for the Rapture.
  10. His brain filled up with thoughts and then he died.
  11. David shot a man in Reno to steal this epitaph.
  12. His most notable trait was a certain amiable inefficiency when confronted with force or fraud.
  13. And the Admin in the sky spake ps -U dmertz | cut -c-5 | xargs kill -9
  14. He abstained, throughout his life, from any vampire-like sucking of the living labor of others, nor did he benefit from that dead, and profited only from his own labor.
  15. In life he was a phlebotomist of great thinkers, but now he has been exsanguinated.
  16. Many of his material THINGS survived him.
  17. He came, he saw, he got an inscription.
  18. He lived as an animal and died as a machine.
  19. Living and dying are both like shooting fish in a barrel.
  20. Insufferable!
  21. He said this would happen, and was consistently correct.
  22. It's about darn time!
  23. The burden of epitaph writing was simply too much for him; as sweet release, here he now lies.
  24. All his life he was a solipsist, now finally in death he can feast on the brains of others.
  25. May a thousand flowers bloom.
  26. With death, he makes a great leap forward.
  27. He was no Pierre Menard.
  28. He was no Kathy Acker.
  29. He was no Richard Strauss.
  30. He was a liar who spoke only truths.
  31. http://donatedbodyprogram.ucla.edu/
  32. He belonged to the _____ generation.
  33. Après moi le fromage!
  34. He was murdered by rhinos.
  35. Just another aerobic eukaryote.
  36. Like Goldilocks before him, he was a moderately noetitropic obligate mesophile.
  37. Buy low, sell high
  38. Mertz floats off as glacier tongue breaks free
  39. He hated America
  40. He counted; not to say he mattered, just that his grasp of natural numbers was solid.
  41. The very greatness of his imperfection became a perfection.
  42. He lived continuously, thought continually, then died contiguously.
  43. While never achieving 'persona non grata', and least now he has managed 'non persona'.
  44. It got loud.
  45. They saw through his ruse.
  46. Contrary to the sentiment of Jos. Conrad, he died as he lived, wishing the kids would get off his lawn.
  47. He abhorred artificial monopolies, © 2011-eternity
  48. Pound bang slash bin slash bash return shutdown now.
  49. just another victim of sadomonetarism.
  50. he hopes to become food for halicephalobus mephisto.
  51. There is no there there.
  52. He was an absence that lacks no longer.
  53. He jumped the shark.
  54. He spent most of his life in a Potemkin village suffering from Capgras syndrome.
  55. He relentlessly plagiarized whatever his brain yammered on about.
  56. Everything was always exactly what it seemed.
  57. david :: [State]; david = [alive] ++ repeat dead
  58. He always behaved in character in the dreams of others.
  59. He didn't try!
  60. He hated America
  61. He was sometimes mistaken for God.
  62. Words meant whatever he wanted them to mean.
  63. Logic took him by the throat to force deduction upon him, whereupon he died of asphyxiation.
  64. His life was like a Proust novel--no one could wish it any longer.
  65. Hilarious, in that sort of creepy way.
  66. Communism will win.
  67. He hung left.
  68. He was solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short.
  69. His ethical standards in forming doxastic presumptions exhibited virtue.
  70. He was guilty of the sum total of his crimes, but lacked knowledge of any specific crimes.
  71. Temples, why do you need me to die?
  72. He has now been disbarred for vexatious rumination.
  73. Death enjoins him from further tortious interference.
  74. He never trusted anyone over 30, nor most certainly, anyone younger than that.
  75. He had all attributes except existence.
  76. If the track is tough and the hill is rough, thinking you can just ain't enough!"
  77. necrosis outpaced apoptosis.
  78. He let his gimmicks go rotten.
  79. He made another lap around the star.
  80. He's just a stereotype.
  81. His freak flag now flies at half staff.
  82. De nihilo non curat Davidus.
  83. He immanentized the eschaton
  84. He outlived that 2.6 kHz guy.
  85. his intellectual dishonesty was properly unfathomable.
  86. He has transformed from the time domain to the frequency domain.
  87. He died as he dreamed, alone.
  88. He has been expelled from the paradise that Cantor had created and rests now with the finite.
  89. His birth certificate claimed he was viviparous, but it's moot now.
  90. He had no soul to damn and now no body to kick.
  91. Please do not bury me in a walled garden.
  92. He never had the opportunity to meet Goode or Evel.
  93. He suffers no more from hyperacusis.
  94. He was a Chthulic monolatrist.
  95. Homey don't play dat (no mo')
  96. He died with Godard on his mind; His friends may have disapproved of his existence, but they admired his acts (Fuck Augustine).
  97. He was polymaniacal.
  98. He was finally relieved of the monstrous duty to enjoy.
  99. He wasn't a Marxist because he read Capital, he read Capital because he was a Marxist.
  100. HTTP/1.1 301 Moved Permanently\n\rLocation: file:///dev/null
  101. His life was an odeum of odium.
  102. He was a man of many limitations.
  103. He did not err; not because he always judged rightly, but because he did not judge at all.
  104. His anxieties were sui generis.
  105. He died, after writing hysteron proteron, at some point
  106. His life was taken for granted, this epitaph from
  107. He rarely substituted mere obliqueness for allusive
  108. Veni, Vidi, Mortuus Est.
  109. Money never comes without being stained in blood.
  110. His was a life, and a death.
  111. Every fucking snowflake is the same.
  112. His loved ones slipped nocebos into his food until he
  113. He has neither cause nor affect.
  114. I'm finished. I trust no one, not even myself.
  115. His execution was a perlocutionary act of illustrative
  116. His death was a breaching experiment, but no one acted
  117. Like Saint Peter before him, he did not know any of you.
  118. His death by excrescence constituted a dearth.
  119. (2) His speech was predominantly epenthesis.
  120. Good things happen to bad people.
  121. What he lacked in haecceity he made up for in univocity.
  122. He counted your fingers after shaking your hand.
  123. (saṃsāra edition): Oops! I did it again.
  124. Nothing doesn't ever change, but nothing changes much.
  125. He hated the sinner but loved the sin.
  126. (Apr 1 edition): He lives!
  127. He had an admirable ability to bitchslap people without going overboard.
  128. Great cases like hard cases make bad karma.
  129. His death presents a colorable claim for his mortality.
  130. He was only as radical as reality itself.
  131. (sickness unto death edition): Ante hoc ergo propter hoc.
  132. The Angel of Death issued a Writ of Mandamus to his organs.
  133. For him, perversion was a profession, and profession a perversion
  134. This is the long run, he is dead.
  135. tl;dr
  136. Что делать?
  137. After a bit of auto-trephination, his soul escaped.
  138. Death is a change in chirality from life.
  139. He felt just like an undercover Sigmund Freud.
  140. The narratives were restless.
  141. He suffers from Cotard delusion.
  142. The evil that he did lives on, the good is here interred with his bones.
  143. Death delayed is death denied.
  144. He aspired to taphonomic bias.
  145. He was irony incarnate. Irony is dead.
  146. And on the 3,735,928,559-th day, a hex was cast upon him, and thus he is.
  147. As every damn snowflake is the same, his corpus is much like others.
  148. A certificate tells me that I died. I repudiate this certificate: I am not a epigram, but an epitaph.
  149. Neither at things nor at people should one look. Only in mirrors should one look, for mirrors do but show us masks.
  150. He hasn't been dead as long as this guy.
  151. It it weren't for schadenfreude he wouldn't have had any freude (joy) at all.
  152. His life was generally a comedy of manners, not infrequently a comedy of errors, but never a tragedy.
  153. Magnificum in Nocturnam Vestem.
  154. There were many specific things which he could not have known, and which he actually did not know, but this does not relieve him of responsibility.
  155. He nitpicked the nitpicks.
  156. Measure once, cut twice.
  157. Per Quentin Crisp, "An autobiography is an obituary in serial form with the last installment missing." At last now, there is an ending.
  158. Were such a person to have come forward, he would have wished his eulogy to be delivered by someone who regarded him as a person of significance.
  159. He had hardly anything in common with himself.
  160. He had a colorable claim for existence, facially none to essense.
  161. There are two hard problems in computer science: cache invalidation, naming, and off-by-one errors.
  162. He lived much like a fish does in a barrel.
  163. He died, not from being stabbed 16 times in the shower, with 16 cuts, but rather in a different way.
  164. A stopped clock is right twice a day, but one that loses a second each day is only right every 118 years.
  165. Invenit sibi perniciosa spe repleti.
  166. At last, in the end, he proved not a hypochondriac.
  167. When he was a child, he spake as an adult, he understood as an adult, he thought as an adult: but when he became a man, he acquired childish things.
  168. Nothing in his life became him like the leaving it; he died as one that had been studied in his death to throw away the dearest thing he owed, as 'twere a careless trifle.
  169. After providing author, title, and full bibliographic citation, he was graciously thanked with a cup of conium maculatum tea.
  170. “Doing nothing is better than being busy doing nothing.”
  171. From a long way off he looked like a fly.
  172. He wasn't a Marxist because he read Marx, he read Marx because he was a Marxist.
  173. His death carried countless connotations, yet curiously few consequences.
  174. David was a druggy, but now he's feeling low; for what he drank as H20 was C20H25N3O.
  175. He resembled more Daniel Shays than John Brown, but in the end the result was the same.
  176. He intentionally manipulated his readers' emotions by reporting frequently on his own death.
  177. He looked like an idiot and talked like an idiot; but it fooled no one, he really was an idiot.
  178. Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
  179. Logic took him by the throat, and forced him to die.
  180. Knowing him would have been notable had anyone done so.
  181. Killing him was notable, many wish they had done so.
  182. He feels equanimity.
  183. The flesh is decaying, but the spirit is fictive.
  184. Life gave him lemons, so he made pomegranate juice.
  185. When he was not healed by the wide gauge rod that smote him, he wished only that friends would attach finials.
  186. The sword of Damocles was double edged, he was fucked either way.
  187. He lived through the long procession of days before him, and through the long evenings; he patiently bore the trials that fate imposed on him; he worked for others without rest, both when young and when he was old; and when his last hour came he met it submissively; however there, beyond the grave, he shall not say that he had suffered and wept, that his life was bitter, and God will not have pity on him.
  188. Here he rests, forever no more than ten feet from a transvestite.
  189. If he ain't stiff, he ain't worth a fuck.
  190. No me gusta el cambio.
  191. He is as dead as will be the English Labour Party after Scottish Independence.
  192. Hell is really quite nice once you get used to the heat.
  193. He wasn't a Marxist because he read Kapital, he read Kapital because he was a Marxist.
  194. He is practicing his shavasana.
  195. His anatomy contained a key to the anatomy of the ape.
  196. His daily bread was dry and flavorless, having only flour, yeast, and water, but lacking the Absolute.
  197. He stole knowingly, he stole respectfully, and he stole well.
  198. He feels non-self-identical today.
  199. Though he made it through the incunabula of 2015, it wasn't to last forever.
  200. The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.
  201. He knew pretty much everything, other than the Dunning–Kruger effect.
  202. As a life grows longer, the probability of it ending in death approaches 1.
  203. His resurrection is precluded by collateral estoppel.
  204. He dreamt humanity would have joint tenancy in his ideas, but they lacked even tenancy in common.
  205. He was entitled to his own opinion, but presuming his own facts caused some fatal problems.
  206. He believed all ethics was linguistics.
  207. He was mostly correct.
  208. He prepared for his death, but did not forsee it.
  209. Something drove him from the paradise which Cantor had created and rests now with the finite.
  210. He finally cut off those Gordian shoelaces.
  211. He fatally cut himself with Occam's razor.
  212. He lived, as he dreamed, alone.
  213. He died of Stendhal Syndrome while admiring FranciscoGoya's Saturno devorando a un hijo.
  214. He used to be one-dimensional, now he has fewer.
  215. He couldn't help that most people are mostly wrong about most things, most of the time.
  216. He never used to be a Parmenidean.